King Coal!

The following e-mail has been circulating among staff and faculty today . . .

KING COAL

Old King Coal was a monied old soul


And a monied old soul was he;


He called for his cash, and he called up his Pres


who gathered his lackey trustees.


Three of the board had some spine,


But they had very little say;


And when there’s only a few who dare (or even care),


Old King Coal will have his way.

To no one’s surprise, the UK Board of Trustees took the low road and accepted $7 million to fund the new Wildcat Coal Lodge, beginning a new error, I mean era, in UK traditions by naming a building after an industry rather than a person. The Trustees took the coal money; we got the shaft (again).

In response to numerous complaints, President Todd (might have) said, “Look, Coach Cal has successfully recruited rock star players, so it is only fitting that we name the Wildcat Lodge after a rock, right? In fact, we in the UK Administration have had rocks on our mind (and in our head) ever since the Top 20 program ended up on the rocks. So, it’s time for the entire UK community to come together and support this decision by following the example of Billy G by having a few on the rocks.”

President Todd (probably didn’t) continue his justification for the decision by noting: ”It’s important to realize that in the race to the bottom, our lead over the University of Louisville was in danger. Not long ago, we were way ahead; but that all changed with the exposure of Pitino’s poor table manners and the under-the-radar (table?) pension payoff to President Ramsey. But now we are again safely ahead and working on padding our lead.”

COAL WINS. SO, LIKE IT OR LUMP IT.

Well, I guess we have to just think of this as yet another lump of coal in our collective stocking. Even so, we have to move on and continue to make regress in our path to the Top 20. Perhaps the failure to stop the insertion of Coal into the name of the Wildcat Lodge occurred because faculty, students, and staff members did not object early enough; although to be fair, we have no evidence that the UK administration and Board of Trustees have ever listened to students, faculty, or staff complaints.

Even so, we must start now to protect the names of our next new buildings. The current top three building priorities on the UK list are:

1. New wing on the administration building

2. Board of Trustees annex to the Patterson Office Tower

3. Research—Ultra Science (R-US) building

The UK Administration and Board of Trustees have been working hard to find donors for these worthy projects. The Trustees Annex is particularly crucial because it will have a sauna and a state of the art exercise facility. This is a priority because the Trustees have not been getting enough exercise; after all, when is the last time the Trustees exercised good judgment? In addition, they have agreed to allow President Todd to have an honorary membership because he, too, has not been getting much exercise lately. When asked, he explained that he no longer takes walks since he now has two university cars and would feel guilty wasting university resources by letting them just sit in his driveway. In fact, since he is such an environmental advocate and strongly supports the UK green initiatives, he no longer drives his Jeep Grand Cherokee 4X4 Hemi, but instead tows it behind his Avalon wherever he goes.

You are all aware that these are tough financial times. It is hard to raise money for worthy causes like hiring and compensating faculty and staff, or providing more scholarships to students. Still, our leaders have been able to find potential donors for our high priority buildings by focusing on industries that have been doing well during the recession and financial crisis. One potential donor, Joe Morally, President of the Association of Bankruptcy Lawyers, has done quite well helping the government take over bankrupt businesses. Another group that has profited from the current economic downturn is the American Association of Auctioneers and Liquidators. Finally, Kentucky’s agricultural industry remains recession-proof (at least the marijuana growing sector has).

At the next UK Board of Trustees meeting, the Trustees will be voting on accepting the donations from these groups. The only conditions imposed by the donors are that the building names include Bankrupt, Morally, Sell Out, and Dope. So, we’ll soon have the Board of Trustees Sell Out Annex, the Morally Bankrupt Administration Building, and the Dopes R-US Building. The only saving grace is that unlike the name “Wildcat Coal Lodge” (which suggests that the occupants are lumps of coal), these names don’t misrepresent the occupants. But, as President Todd (never actually) said, “That’s the way it is, so you can just like it or lump it.“